To be perfectly honest, I'm not really having that great of a time. I feel guilty saying that, since my hosts are very kind and I am in a beautiful place learning very practical and sometimes interesting things. But I miss the variety of my former life in Brooklyn. I didn't realize what a varied life I lived in NY, perfect for the fickle Gemini who wants to see and do something new all the time. I honestly thought I was boringly doing the same thing every day, but being stuck on a farm in the mountains (albeit a gorgeous farm) has shown me what REALLY being in the same place every day feels like. It will be great for a few months, but I think I will be happy to go back home again.
Perhaps the thing I miss the most is my independence. I'm not really in the mood to go pick blueberries high up in the mountains today, especially since my boots are still wet from picking potatoes for 6 hours yesterday, but that is the activity chosen by the majority this morning at breakfast. I'm sure it will be really nice, but it's just a strange feeling to not know what your day will look like.. and it's not a normal workweek, it's every moment of every day, you know?
I suppose I am quite lucky to have nice and interesting and funny hosts, and I'm probably just having another cranky moment, because my legs are still killing me from hiking up a very steep mountain 2 days ago, and it rained last night, and so now I have to go get incredibly muddy again.
I am looking forward to having a real weekend again in the future, where I sleep in and go have brunch with friends and poke around the flea markets and take silly photobooth pictures. I actually am missing the hipsters at Union Pool. hah! Ok maybe that's going too far. But maybe not! Lauren told me it would happen and I didn't believe her. Lauren, if you're reading this, you are completely allowed to say I told you so.
It's been about 20 days. Maybe I haven't really let go yet, and this is part of the learning growing process or something. Yesterday I started to feel like I had no personality. Like I was a quiet boring shy person all of a sudden, with nothing to say. I realized that I shut down a lot around these new people because I feel like I don't have that much to offer them that they will be interested in. It made me panic a little bit, and I started thinking about what this experience of being a constant beginner and a constant outsider in this world of outdoorsy people is doing for me. And that's where this rambling is coming from. And maybe I should stop before I sound like a whiny depressive. I'm not, I'm just floundering.
I think I'll make a separate post about the things I've done recently, so as not to taint them with this paragraph of self pity. Ok!
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4 comments:
Hang in there, kid. And remember: most of the folks reading this are damn impressed that you're doing what you're doing, and probably are wishing that they could trade places with you. ;-)
Thanks Aaron!
I sometimes suffer from lack of perspective and need a little kick I think.
But you know, it's also surreal to be somewhere where nobody knows you at all. Making one big first impression all on your own. I get overwhelmed. But I think I'm over it now!
I mean, honestly, who complains about picking blueberries on a beautiful mountain? Sheesh.
i'm a little late responding here, but wanted to tell you not to beat yourself up about these feelings. what you wrote in your second to last paragraph is EXACTLY how i left while living in new york. completely useless and distant...like i'd be better off just blending in with the walls around me. no familiarily, no one who knows or love you (at least not yet), and however awesome everything may be around you, there's a disconnect still and its hard not to feel overwhelmed by it.
i know you're making the best of it and all that positive jazz, but i wanted you to know that someone you shared many-a-coffee with felt the exact way, often while we were drinking the coffee. it's scary, but you'll be the better for it in the end. i know you know that. :)
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